Threshold

Threshold gives me thrill. It just proved itself to this girl, a novice in life. [yes, even after almost 2 decades of living, I still call myself verdant]. Threshold has just brought this soul to another transition of life, encouraging to jump across the line that divides life into phases, particularly 2 phases this time.

or maybe should I say, 2 different sides of a soul.

Bid farewell to the old cheers, laughter, goofiness, and extroversion. Those days when those things were dominating have now become a past. Now, life ain't about being happy and out. I've come to realize that there are much more things that are more relevant and significant to pay attention to, for instance, to have a meaningful life. But again, what kind of meaningful?

In order to find the answer, I tried to spend more time with the one whom I need to be closer to: myself. Pulling me back from the familiar fellows, staying in the room whole day long, yarra yarra yarra only to get to know what I want, what I actually really want in life [and who I want to be with]. That didn't happen to be as easy as I expected for it ended up with me loving myself much much more than before and hating it as much as loving it. That kind of feeling stressed the heck out of me/

It also resulted in a scattered sleep cycle. Six nights of only sleeping for 1-2 hours which led to the seventh night where I went hibernating for the whole day. "What did you do? Why didn't you just shut your eyes and sleep?". If only it was that easy. No, I did not do anything, no college tasks at all, no studying, not even keeping myself busy with neither the phone nor the computer. Body all shut but my mind just kept wandering, perhaps seeking for any justification for what I had been feeling [and believing].

Some days ago, I met my dear high school colleagues, having some good laughs [which made me realize that I had not had such laughs for quite a long time], and surely enjoyable conversation. One of them awoke me by saying that I've turned into someone 'normal'. Meaning that, I've changed from someone whom they called 'alien' [which was created by a dear friend of mine], into a 'person', an adult. From a 'happy-go-lucky' to an 'almost-dead-serious' one. Also, that day led me to a realization that I had not talked to them [especially my closest ones] for months. A friend told me that I might be suffering stress. I declined. Then she said, "Your conscious might not admit it, but your unconscious does".

Now what?

I've come to believe that they may create systems, others may make expectations, I may get scored and judged for what I do and what I do not, but the life of mine depends on me. In the end, my satisfaction is what matters the most. In order to fully achieve that, I've got to focus on myself, less distraction from anything, and anyone [what happened not so long ago had made me learn a lot about trusting humans and had made me experience 'this' *which is implicitly explained throughout this post*, and I've had enough of it]. Do not get fooled by words, for they are not always meant as what we think how they are meant.

Stand on your own feet, believe in your own self, hold on to your principles,

...and get over this threshold easily.

[this is a note to myself]