Managing Expectation : An Honest Confession

First, sorry for the inconvenience of this post (if you feel like there is one)

Managing expectations. Almost 6 months ago at Wisma Handayani, I was bored to hear these simple words being repeated over and over again. At that time, which I still remember the exact atmosphere until now, I felt like I could brace myself very easily to do this. I thought I was so strong, so capable to do anything. Over-trusted my self? Yes, I did. I can draw, I can sing, I can play piano, I can dance, I can do math, I can do speeches, I can cook, I can do karate, I can... what else? Doing stuffs like that is quite easy for my mind to give suggestion to my self that it's something I can do. Sounds arrogant? Yes, it does.

I am very used to use the power of self-suggestion. I've been using that for more than half of my entire life. That's the biggest factor of my success today, winning competitions, getting good grades at school, being top-rank at school, and also, being an exchange student. I felt too comfortable with self-suggestion. It made me feel good because I almost always won from anything. I almost always got what I wanted.

But not today. This is the day I've always been afraid of. I'm so afraid to lose. I really am. It sucks. I hate it. I hate the fact that I never realized that I should be ready not to win. I should've been ready to lose, yes I should have.

This day, January 8 2013, is a big day for most exchange students. Competitions that we entered months ago got big announcements today. BUBW (Better Understanding for Better World), CEW (Civic Education Week), GNML Youth TechCamp, all had their winners announced today.

Did I win one? At least one of them?

No.

I didn't apply for all actually. But, now I feel how important it is to manage my expectation. It's not a really big deal for me, not going to those places. Not winning, yea, that's kind of a big deal for me. I've been expecting too much that it makes me going down a little bit today. Do you know what makes it even worse? People that I know well, yes, they got it. My YES friends, my Pelita Cita Indonesia, my host sister (Re: double-placement-mate), they got what I wanted me to get. Not that I'm not happy for them. I am happy to hear that, but, I've been believing that if others can do it, I can do it too.

Well, then I realized something. I got more than those today. I got my lesson how it feels to lose. I got my lesson how to accept unexpected things. I got my lesson how to manage my expectations.

I dedicated this post to my Pelita Cita Indonesia who are my very loved friends, my great team. I love you all so much, I'm proud of you all to the sky and beyond. To my friends who got the chance to win, big congratulations for all of you. I'm happy :) And oh, please don't feel bad for me and others who didn't get it, because honestly, I'll feel even worse. But just, be down to earth. It's not me, but there are others who really wanted it so much. I know you all are happy and very excited, but we're family right? We care about others right?

To my friends who are experiencing the same thing as I am now (if there are ones), you are not alone. Let's learn more, and move on :) The world is as huge as chances for us to win something else, to win lessons, to win from ourselves.

Managing expectations. Something hard that I'm trying to make it easy today :)

Cheer up, Chin up!